No matter how much parents want to protect their children, bad things still happen. When they do, it's important to have the resources to restore a child's resiliency and confidence. Unburdening your child from unresolved trauma, which can play havoc with them for the rest of their lives, is a wonderful gift you can give them.

When kids feel threatened and overwhelmed by a trauma-whether it's something as simple as a minor fall or something more serious such as being bullied at school or living through the divorce of parents-they rarely know how to calm themselves. To help them, a parent must first learn how to calm and settle his or her own nervous system. ­Understanding the nervous system and training to self-regulate it is one of the most critical aspects in helping a child negotiate trauma.

In a traumatic situation, parents can take several deep breaths, soothing and settling themselves, and take a moment to feel their feet on the ground. They can notice whether they are feeling afraid and what sensations their bodies might be ­experiencing, such as a racing heart, tight gut or constricted throat.

To help a child, a parent's primary job is to be aware of their own feelings and sensations and to calm themselves ­before addressing the situation-much like the airplane mask safety instructions to put their masks own first, before helping a child. Once parents have done this they can help guide their child to ­notice his or her own body sensations. This helps activate the body's natural process during trauma from a felt experience of shock to one of resiliency.

Catherine Fallis, PhD, a school counsellor who works with children, teaches the same strategies to both parents and children to help them ­understand what they are feeling. She says, "Most kids understand the word ­hyper. I can ask them, 'Well what does that feel like?' Then we try to get the metaphors or the sensation language, like 'I have a jumping bean in my tummy' or 'I'm vibrating.'" Fallis describes her work with parents and their kids as working ­toward the ability to pay attention to body sensations and then consciously settle the nervous system. "That's what self-regulation is," she says, "to be aware of what is going on in the body and adjusting to a calmer state."

In his book, "Parenting from the Inside Out" (Tarcher, 2004), trauma expert Daniel Siegel, MD, explains that parents need to do their own trauma work. He says that such work is one of the best ways of trauma-proofing your own child. Fallis agrees and says, "If your child falls off the playground equipment and you are jumpy about every little thing that happens, it's going to make it harder for the child to have faith that you can help them."

In a way, the parent's nervous system is meant to be the child's comfort. "There are all kinds of things happening between parents and children that are beyond our consciousness in terms of nurturance and attunement." Fallis adds, "It is subtle. The more a parent can learn from their own experience, the better they will be at being there for their children."

On the topic of trauma caused by bullying Fallis says, "The parent needs to manage their own nervous system. Communicate to the child that you are their ­advocate, that you believe in them, that you believe 'we can get through this ­together.'" She often teaches children how to be assertive and stand on two feet with head up, eye contact and a strong voice. Engaging children in activities they love and feel competent at is also empowering. 

"Listen to them, affirm their feelings, help them find out what helps and what works for them to feel better. Spend some time with the child and then move on ­unless they are seriously hurt. It is ­important not to draw it out and go over and over it. Move on and encourage resiliency," Fallis advises. She also suggests getting help either from friends, family or professionals if you feel a situation is more than you can ­handle.

Children with the ability to self-regulate during challenges develop increased resiliency. They are empowered to bring greater ease into their lives through better health, relationships and concentration in schoolwork. Most importantly they are free from carrying unresolved trauma into their futures.

For more information:
School counsellor or Family Services
Foundation for Human Enrichment, Somatic Experiencing: www.traumahealing.com
Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute: www.sensorimotorpsychotherapy
Catherine Fallis PhD, RCC. E-mail: chockfall@shaw.ca

Full interview with Catherine Fallis, PhD, available at www.hans.org

Lynn Cameron is a health and wellness writer and registered clinical counsellor.

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